It's time to be honest

Well, here I am. It has taken me quite a while to get to this point... to face the music and be honest with myself. To be ready to commit to better health, to be willing to care about what I eat, and to long for the feeling of strength that comes from exercising my body.... my poor body. I've not treated it well lately. I feel badly about that. But it's tough on a mind and a body - gaining 30 lbs every other year, then standing at the foot of the huge mountain that comes after the birth of a baby - knowing I HAVE to get that baby weight off yet feeling rather overwhelmed and discouraged by the amount of work and effort I know it's going to take.

My 7th child is almost 6 months old. Right now I weigh at least 10 pounds more than I did when I delivered my first child. Aahh those were the days! I have done a decent job of getting the weight off in between each baby, but it's getting progressively harder and my increasing age is not making the task easier. But I have to. I know I don't want to look like this. It's not me and I'm sick of how I look and feel. My closet is not a happy place right now and I feel like a blob whenever I get dressed. I hate finding clothes each day. My only pants are my maternity jeans, and honestly they are too small. My shirts are too tight and I hate the look of my flabby rolls poking through the fabric. It's not attractive at all. I refuse to buy bigger clothes because, #1 - I can't afford it, and #2 - I DO NOT want to be that size!! So I resort to wearing baggy t-shirts and shorts that do nothing for my feelings of frumpiness. Ugh.

The other day I was having a conversation with myself and it finally hit me when I said to myself, "Sara - NO ONE is going to do this for you. Bill cannot exercise for you and nobody is going to eat right for you. The only person who can help you is YOU!" I keep coming up with excuses and justifications for my behavior (kids, busy life, yada yada yada) but in reality, I have to do this by myself. And I know that, but every time I stand before this hurdle, I have to realize it all over again. And every time it takes a good long look in the mirror to get myself in gear to make this commitment. It's so not easy. I'm kind of crying because I know it's a long haul that is probably going to end with another pregnancy weight gain and I'll have to start all over again in two years. But I have to try. I have to do it anyway. I can't give up, give in, quit. I won't.

It's time to be honest with myself. It's time.